Lovers are Students of Love

 "The Grand essentials of happiness are:
something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

Allan K. Chalmers

"Him that I love, I wish to be free -- even from me."

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I've been swept away by love. I've fallen flat on my face for love. I've moved across the country for love and I've stayed put for love also. I am a student of love. Why you might ask? Why study something so obvious? Why study something that should come naturally?  Why learn about something that doesn't pay well? (Well maybe it does - but that is a different article)

First - because I am a woman and nothing matters more in the depths of a woman's heart than love.

Second - because I've wept in the name of love, raged in the name of love, lost hope in the name of love, withered in the name of love and suffered confusion and despair more than once in the name of love. Obviously there are some lessons here!

Third -because love has surprised me, uplifted me, delighted me, taken me on adventures, and brought me to the deepest places in my heart and these are all experiences I want more of.

Just when we think we understand love there is more to discover, and a multitude of ways to demonstrate it.

Sometimes Love is best demonstrated by fighting for a relationship

• I remember when I was married and we were going through a rocky time. We were arguing a lot - about silly things and neither of us could stop. Our counselor at the time told me this: Make sure you are fighting FOR the relationship, not AGAINST it. I've never forgotten that.

Sometimes Love is best demonstrated by taking time out

• Recently something needed to be said in an important relationship. I wanted to blurt it out immediately but I stopped myself. I knew the words would not be clear and the possibility for misunderstanding was huge. I mulled it over for a few days, wrote down my thoughts, sifted and sorted and finally found words I was comfortable with. I shared and came away feeling victorious, connected and full with love for both of us.

Sometimes Love is best demonstrated by allowing the other to "be right"

• Who cares really? If he or she needs be an authority on something let them. Especially let them be an authority on their own thoughts and feelings. Let them be right about their own life - even if you think you know better for them!

Sometimes Love is best demonstrated with silence

• More than once I have held my tongue. Sometimes I know ahead of time that "talking about something" will only lead to a debate. And debate - while it might be intellectually satisfying like a game of chess - lives in the head - while love lives in the heart.     

Sometimes Love is best demonstrated by telling the truth

• The more connected I am to my own feelings the more I'm able to do this one. Sometimes I try to jump ahead to say things I don't know yet and that only muddles up communication. "I don't know what to say right now. I'm feeling confused. I need some time to sort my feelings out before I speak." Sometimes statements like these can be our most authentic truths.

Sometimes Love is best demonstrated in our choice to reveal and share ourselves.

• I wanted to be invisible many times. As a little girl I was one of the smallest girls in my classroom. You'd think I could have just tucked myself behind my desk and hidden out. My bright red hair made that impossible. It seemed I had a neon "OPEN" sign on my head that was permanently on. Sometimes I did not want to be open.  Later in life I learned I had choice. I could decide where and who to reveal and share with.

I've learned as much from wild and difficult demonstrations of love as I have from beautiful ones. My friends have taught me. And my not so-friendly friends too. My lovers have taught me. The ones who stayed and the ones who left. My family has taught me. Nature. Animals. Books, Movies, Music, Art and Poetry. Writing. Clients. My readers. I've absorbed some of the lessons and some of them I resist. Regardless -  love keeps teaching me and I am Love's student.